When I started writing a little over a year ago I was in a much different place. This blog started as a result of the pain and suffering I was feeling after losing my daughter. It was helpful to me to be as open and vulnerable as I could, as a way to help myself - and a bonus has been that others have been educated on what an infant loss journey can look like.
I knew that eventually life would take us down a different path, and I envisioned that the blog would follow along with us. To an extent that has been true, but I've learned some things about myself through this pregnancy that I wasn't quite expecting. While I'm normally an open book (about pretty much everything in my life) when it came time to write about this pregnancy and this baby - I've been a little more closed off. My therapist refers to it as my "glass belly". You see, the innocence and naivete of pregnancy and birth is gone. Since losing my first child, I will never, EVER, experience the innocent bliss that most mothers face when bringing a baby into the world. I will never be one who knows the statistics of what *could* happen. I am the statistic.
That has made this pregnancy a bit different. In the beginning I was hesitant to tell people that I was pregnant, but at the same time knew that we may only get a short time with this baby and to share him with as many people as I could. But as my belly started to grow, so did my anxiety. With a growing belly comes many questions: "When are you due?", "Do you know what you are having?", "Is this your first?" Each question would hit me like a ton of bricks.
No, this isn't my first - it's my third, but sometimes I say it's my second. Truth is I don't always know how to answer. I usually leave it at that, but often times it's followed up with, "How old are your others?" Punch to the gut. I often feel worse for making the other person feel so horrible for even asking. It's a simple question, really. But the answer is anything but simple.
"It's a little boy." Such a matter-of-fact statement, usually followed with a response of "How wonderful, you'll love having a little boy!" True, I'm sure. But I didn't always feel that way. Truth is I had a feeling all along this was a boy, and while we are beyond excited for his arrival, I was not initially this excited. I wanted a daughter. I felt robbed of getting to raise the little girl I had dreamed of, and I knew that she may be the only daughter I ever get. There was a point when that was not good enough of an answer for me. People were congratulating us on having a little boy and I remember calling my mother, sobbing, because I didn't feel as happy as they did.
That may sound harsh, but gender disappointment is real - especially in the loss community. Please understand that if Olive had been a boy and I found out I was now carrying a girl, I would have felt the same way. It's longing for the baby you didn't get a chance to raise. It's shifting your whole mindset to a new way of thinking when you never really got to wrap your head around the other way of thinking. Some loss parents are upset if they are having the same gender, they want the other gender to help them process that this is a different baby, hopefully with a different outcome.
I've become very protective of my glass belly. When others ask how I'm feeling or how things are going, I usually respond with a short, "I'm fine" because I'm not interested in talking about the details. Not because they aren't important, but because they are hard to talk about. This pregnancy has been fairly easy, very similar to my pregnancy with Olive. That scares me. I know that just because things are going well doesn't mean they'll end well. That reality is becoming more apparent to me as the weeks fly by.
I've recently begun my third trimester, and I woke up in a panic attack. Most mothers are anxious because they only have a short amount of time to get the nursery finished, wash baby clothes and finish nesting. I am anxious because I may only have 12 +/- weeks with my son left. I know that sounds morbid, and I suppose it is. But it's also the world I live in now. Each week is a milestone for us. Each week another blessing.
"Lord, I trust you with my life and death and with the lives and deaths of my babies"
This is a prayer that I started praying after we lost Olive. I had to remind myself daily to trust in the Lord. Since then, life, death and baby have all become plural. We have lost two children. This is my third pregnancy and we still have brought no babies home. I have to trust in the Lord. It's my only option. But it's also a struggle each and every day.
People have commented on my strength, but the truth is I'm no stronger than the next person out there. I struggle each day to read my bible and make time for God. I struggle each day to pray meaningful prayers where I'm not constantly asking for things, but rather where the only request I have is that I am open and accepting to God's will for my life. The human nature in me struggles because I want to bring this baby home, I want to make all the right decisions regarding his care, I want to be the best mother I can be. But fear, self-doubt, unsolicited advice and opinions of others creep in and I find myself clinging to God for dear life, begging him to increase my faith, calm my nerves and trust that, together, we will get through this - just as we have everything else in life.
I do intend to document the end of my pregnancy here on the blog, and I ask for your prayers as I find the strength to open up and allow myself the same vulnerability I have had with Olive's story. We know that the next few months are going to be very exciting for our family and I pray that God would use me however He sees fit to help continue to educate others and accomplish His goal.
Thank you, as always, for joining us on this journey.
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Friday, August 21, 2015
Birthday Lessons
"Count your life by smiles, not tears. Count your age by friends, not years" - Anonymous
Today is my 35th birthday. For the first time in quite awhile it doesn't feel like my birthday. I mean, I know that as you get older birthdays really do just feel like another day, but this year is different. I don't quite know how to explain it but it doesn't feel like my birthday - I was neither anticipating nor dreading it. It's just Friday, August 21st. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.
In a way I'm a bit relieved by this. Last year my birthday was incredibly emotional. Olive had just passed away 3 weeks earlier and I was in such a daze. I look back to where I was, as a person, one year ago today and it's amazing to me how much has changed. One year ago today I could barely breathe. I spent my days laying around, not wanting to get out of bed. When I would get out of bed I would make a pot of coffee and sit on the back porch in my pajamas for hours. I didn't want to move from that place. I didn't want to see people. I still wasn't answering my phone. I was just trying to survive.
One year ago today I was extremely overwhelmed. I had nothing to do with myself physically but emotionally and spiritually I was a wreck. I was hanging on to God by a thread. I was questioning everything from whether or not God had changed His mind about me being fit to be a mother, to where heaven was. I would compare myself to a mother whose child had gone missing. I believed in my heart that Olive was in heaven, but because heaven is still such a mystery to us all I couldn't fathom what that meant. I didn't know where heaven was, so I didn't know where she was - and that was incredibly painful. I could not even bring myself to look up into the sky for fear of hyperventilating. The vast horizon, with it's sunshine and clouds was too much for me. It was such a powerful feeling, and one I was so fearful of.
I'm happy to say that today I can enjoy a good sunset. I have begun to find joy again and I'm looking forward to what this new year has to offer.
I've learned that you can truly find a miracle in every day - because every day is truly a miracle.
I have a deeper relationship for my husband and a respect for him I never knew possible.
So many beautiful people have come into my life, and some really special friendships have been formed.
I try to make time every day to spend with the Lord.
I have a deeper love for my parents, siblings and other family members - knowing that our time on earth together is shorter than any of us could have possibly imagined.
I long for heaven. I've never been afraid to die - but now more than ever I feel at peace with this temporary life, knowing full well that the salvation I've been gifted in Christ will bring me to my forever home soon enough.
I am eager and anxious to meet the sweet boy who is moving, grooving and growing stronger every day inside of me. I long to cradle him in my arms and breathe in his sweet smell.
While I'm no where near where I thought I would be at 35, I'm content with the path God has laid out for me. Each new day I'm more and more aware that this life, even with all of it's challenges, is working out exactly as it was meant to. It's not always easy to see the beauty in the pain - that's certainly something I couldn't do a year ago today, but God-willing - I have the next 35+ years to continue working on it.
Today is my 35th birthday. For the first time in quite awhile it doesn't feel like my birthday. I mean, I know that as you get older birthdays really do just feel like another day, but this year is different. I don't quite know how to explain it but it doesn't feel like my birthday - I was neither anticipating nor dreading it. It's just Friday, August 21st. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.
In a way I'm a bit relieved by this. Last year my birthday was incredibly emotional. Olive had just passed away 3 weeks earlier and I was in such a daze. I look back to where I was, as a person, one year ago today and it's amazing to me how much has changed. One year ago today I could barely breathe. I spent my days laying around, not wanting to get out of bed. When I would get out of bed I would make a pot of coffee and sit on the back porch in my pajamas for hours. I didn't want to move from that place. I didn't want to see people. I still wasn't answering my phone. I was just trying to survive.
One year ago today I was extremely overwhelmed. I had nothing to do with myself physically but emotionally and spiritually I was a wreck. I was hanging on to God by a thread. I was questioning everything from whether or not God had changed His mind about me being fit to be a mother, to where heaven was. I would compare myself to a mother whose child had gone missing. I believed in my heart that Olive was in heaven, but because heaven is still such a mystery to us all I couldn't fathom what that meant. I didn't know where heaven was, so I didn't know where she was - and that was incredibly painful. I could not even bring myself to look up into the sky for fear of hyperventilating. The vast horizon, with it's sunshine and clouds was too much for me. It was such a powerful feeling, and one I was so fearful of.
I'm happy to say that today I can enjoy a good sunset. I have begun to find joy again and I'm looking forward to what this new year has to offer.
I've learned that you can truly find a miracle in every day - because every day is truly a miracle.
I have a deeper relationship for my husband and a respect for him I never knew possible.
So many beautiful people have come into my life, and some really special friendships have been formed.
I try to make time every day to spend with the Lord.
I have a deeper love for my parents, siblings and other family members - knowing that our time on earth together is shorter than any of us could have possibly imagined.
I long for heaven. I've never been afraid to die - but now more than ever I feel at peace with this temporary life, knowing full well that the salvation I've been gifted in Christ will bring me to my forever home soon enough.
I am eager and anxious to meet the sweet boy who is moving, grooving and growing stronger every day inside of me. I long to cradle him in my arms and breathe in his sweet smell.
While I'm no where near where I thought I would be at 35, I'm content with the path God has laid out for me. Each new day I'm more and more aware that this life, even with all of it's challenges, is working out exactly as it was meant to. It's not always easy to see the beauty in the pain - that's certainly something I couldn't do a year ago today, but God-willing - I have the next 35+ years to continue working on it.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
It's a.....
We are still coming off of the emotional rollercoaster from last week. While the week itself was full of really high highs and really low lows, I will say that I am happy July is over. I'm not usually one to wish the days away, but knowing that we survived this first major milestone is bittersweet - but I'm choosing to focus more on the sweet.
I realize that since announcing I was pregnant again I haven't spent much time discussing this current baby much (enter feelings of mom guilt). While last week was definitely a week to focus on Olive, we also had quite a few special moments this month with this baby too - one very specific one that many people keep asking me about.
To start, we had our first prenatal class (we have had other prenatal appointments, but this was the first group class we did with other couples delivering late this year). It was nice to meet everyone and begin a new journey with these parents. If I'm being honest though, it wasn't that long ago that we were just doing this - so I think that added to some of the mixed emotions we were feeling the entire month.
We also met with our OB for a consult, met our perinatologist for the ultrasound (and to discuss my advanced maternal age - which will NOT be talked about anymore on this blog - ha!) and daddy got to feel baby move for the first time! We went into our ultrasound a little hesitant, but left feeling very comfortable that everything was great. Baby is measuring ahead of schedule, just like big sister did and looks healthy and happy. I mean, c'mon...look at this peanut!
I realize that since announcing I was pregnant again I haven't spent much time discussing this current baby much (enter feelings of mom guilt). While last week was definitely a week to focus on Olive, we also had quite a few special moments this month with this baby too - one very specific one that many people keep asking me about.
To start, we had our first prenatal class (we have had other prenatal appointments, but this was the first group class we did with other couples delivering late this year). It was nice to meet everyone and begin a new journey with these parents. If I'm being honest though, it wasn't that long ago that we were just doing this - so I think that added to some of the mixed emotions we were feeling the entire month.
We also met with our OB for a consult, met our perinatologist for the ultrasound (and to discuss my advanced maternal age - which will NOT be talked about anymore on this blog - ha!) and daddy got to feel baby move for the first time! We went into our ultrasound a little hesitant, but left feeling very comfortable that everything was great. Baby is measuring ahead of schedule, just like big sister did and looks healthy and happy. I mean, c'mon...look at this peanut!
So far this pregnancy has been very similar to my pregnancy with Olive (I wasn't far enough along with Baby #2 to really have any pregnancy symptoms). I had some nausea during the first trimester, although it didn't last near as long. As far as how I'm carrying, that is pretty similar too. The only major differences are that I've battled more insomnia with this little one, and I'm not having near the cravings I did with Olive - I mean almost zero! Most of the time I am trying to figure out what sounds good, instead of making a break for a Taco Bell drive-thru at the drop of a hat!
Early on we had decided that this baby's gender would also be a surprise, but as the weeks went by I found myself getting increasingly anxious about many things. For one, I was having a hard time connecting - especially during the timeframe where I wasn't really feeling sick anymore but still hadn't felt much movement. Another big issue for me was that all of the baby items we had, in my mind, belonged to Olive. They were purchased with her in mind, but she never got to use them. Had Olive been alive we would have naturally used the same things for this baby, but since she hadn't been brought home it felt like we were going to move this baby into "her" room with "her" belongings. I knew that I needed to make some changes if I was going to be comfortable with using these items (everything had been washed, tags and boxes thrown away, and we certainly weren't going to return thousands of dollars of merchandise!).
Additionally, I found myself becoming more anxious for the birth - I really just want to go into that day with one goal in mind: deliver a breathing, crying baby. I didn't want any extra surprises in the delivery room. So, after much discussion with my husband we decided this time around we would find out the gender.
To most people this would be the end of the discussion, but for me it brought about more feelings of guilt. I knew that we had decided that we didn't want to find out with any of our babies. The fact that we were making a different decision for this child meant that we were already treating this baby different just because of his/her sister, which is something I find myself struggling with on a daily basis. I felt like I was weak - giving in - and letting my husband down. He reassured me that we cannot compare these situations - each is a completely different set of circumstances, and whether we found out in the delivery room or sooner - we were going to find out together. (Have I mentioned how much I love that guy?)
With Olive's birthday coming up we decided to include this baby in her celebration - to make it a true family affair. We had the doctor write down what the baby was and then gave it to our dear friend who was making Olive's birthday cake. Inside she would surprise us with either pink or blue so that when we cut into the cake on Olive's birthday - we would know if we were celebrating with her little brother or little sister. We both had our suspicions - and around 9:30pm on Olive's birthday we dug in.
Even though I was expecting a boy - it still has taken some getting used to (which I may get into more on another post). After letting the news sink in a for a couple of days I can tell you that we are thrilled to be welcoming Olive's little brother to our family later this year. God certainly has blessed us and we know that this little boy will fit in perfectly!
*And we welcome any name suggestions as boy names have always been difficult for us!*
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Olive's Branches Day
Yesterday was a day I both dread and looked forward to. On one hand it was heart-wrenching to have to celebrate Olive's first birthday without the birthday girl, but on the other hand I was so looking forward to the many ways we would, collectively, shower the world with love and kindness in her memory.
To say I was blown away is an understatement.
We woke up as we normally to - to silence. No baby babble coming over the monitor, no curly haired blonde to get out of her crib and snuggle, no little one to make special birthday pancakes for. But, we weren't sad.
Instead we awoke to our phones flooded with kind and generous gestures that, from the moment we woke up to the minute we laid our heads down last night (early this morning for me), brought a peace that I can't even describe to you.
I'm sobbing as I type this because I wish you all knew what you did for this mama's heart. The ripple effect you had on the communities you live in was astounding. As much as my sinful human nature would have loved to snuggle my sweet one, I recognize that without her short life - without her death - I don't know that all of these things would have happened. That's a conflicting place to be as a parent, but one thing is for certain: our daughter only and will ever only know unconditional love. As much as I want her back, I can't offer her anywhere close to what she has now - and because of that, I've accepted (and dare I say, am happier) that she is where she is and I will see her again when it's the appropriate time.
Because of all of YOU people felt joy, they believed in the kindness of the human spirit, they were uplifted and loved. YOU did that - for me, for the lady at Starbucks, for the mail carriers, servers, children, parents and homeless in your communities! YOU created a ripple effect that will be felt for days, weeks and hopefully months to come.
As for my husband and I - we weren't able to do many of the things that parents do with their children on their birthdays, but because of you there was singing and balloons and snuggling. There was joy and fun and laughter. There was fellowship and celebration. And peace.
Because of you Olive's birthday was a happy one, one that we will never, EVER forget. To have thousands of people bear witness to your daughter's life, to shower her and her family with love through your acts of kindness to others is nothing short of remarkable.
I pray that the joy YOU felt in giving back continues to leave a lasting impression on your heart. I pray that in the upcoming months you set aside moments in your busy life to pay closer attention, say some extra "I love yous", find a stranger or friend that needs a little extra in their life - and continue to pay it forward.
I promise you there is good in the world. I saw it, you saw it and we felt it.
God's richest blessings to you all.
With love and gratitude,
Nicole
We will be creating a video montage of the different ways people helped to celebrate. Please continue to check the blog for updates.
To say I was blown away is an understatement.
We woke up as we normally to - to silence. No baby babble coming over the monitor, no curly haired blonde to get out of her crib and snuggle, no little one to make special birthday pancakes for. But, we weren't sad.
Instead we awoke to our phones flooded with kind and generous gestures that, from the moment we woke up to the minute we laid our heads down last night (early this morning for me), brought a peace that I can't even describe to you.
I'm sobbing as I type this because I wish you all knew what you did for this mama's heart. The ripple effect you had on the communities you live in was astounding. As much as my sinful human nature would have loved to snuggle my sweet one, I recognize that without her short life - without her death - I don't know that all of these things would have happened. That's a conflicting place to be as a parent, but one thing is for certain: our daughter only and will ever only know unconditional love. As much as I want her back, I can't offer her anywhere close to what she has now - and because of that, I've accepted (and dare I say, am happier) that she is where she is and I will see her again when it's the appropriate time.
Because of all of YOU people felt joy, they believed in the kindness of the human spirit, they were uplifted and loved. YOU did that - for me, for the lady at Starbucks, for the mail carriers, servers, children, parents and homeless in your communities! YOU created a ripple effect that will be felt for days, weeks and hopefully months to come.
As for my husband and I - we weren't able to do many of the things that parents do with their children on their birthdays, but because of you there was singing and balloons and snuggling. There was joy and fun and laughter. There was fellowship and celebration. And peace.
Because of you Olive's birthday was a happy one, one that we will never, EVER forget. To have thousands of people bear witness to your daughter's life, to shower her and her family with love through your acts of kindness to others is nothing short of remarkable.
I pray that the joy YOU felt in giving back continues to leave a lasting impression on your heart. I pray that in the upcoming months you set aside moments in your busy life to pay closer attention, say some extra "I love yous", find a stranger or friend that needs a little extra in their life - and continue to pay it forward.
I promise you there is good in the world. I saw it, you saw it and we felt it.
God's richest blessings to you all.
With love and gratitude,
Nicole
We will be creating a video montage of the different ways people helped to celebrate. Please continue to check the blog for updates.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Happy 1st Birthday!
My dear sweet girl,
It's hard to believe that a whole year has gone by since we first laid eyes on you. If I close my eyes I can still feel your warm, slippery body lying right over my heart. You were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. We were so in love with you, from the moment we knew you were growing inside of me.
A lot has changed in the last year - life has been lived, new memories made but the love we feel for you has not changed. The love I feel for you is as strong as it was the day I met you and I will forever be grateful that you made me a mommy.
We know there is no birthday gift that we can give you. You have already received the ultimate birthday gift - all of this earthly stuff is just for us, we know that. But we are trying really hard. We want the world to know how much you are loved - and how much love there is to share. There are no words to describe the joy and pride we feel for you today.
In honor of your first birthday we wanted to put together some of our favorite memories. We know there will be many more - just because you aren't here doesn't mean that you will not be a part of the memories this family will make with your future brother(s) and/or sister(s).
We love you so very much and we miss you like crazy!
Happy 1st Birthday, Olive!
Love,
Mommy and Daddy
To read Olive's birth story, please visit this link and this one
It's hard to believe that a whole year has gone by since we first laid eyes on you. If I close my eyes I can still feel your warm, slippery body lying right over my heart. You were the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. We were so in love with you, from the moment we knew you were growing inside of me.
A lot has changed in the last year - life has been lived, new memories made but the love we feel for you has not changed. The love I feel for you is as strong as it was the day I met you and I will forever be grateful that you made me a mommy.
We know there is no birthday gift that we can give you. You have already received the ultimate birthday gift - all of this earthly stuff is just for us, we know that. But we are trying really hard. We want the world to know how much you are loved - and how much love there is to share. There are no words to describe the joy and pride we feel for you today.
In honor of your first birthday we wanted to put together some of our favorite memories. We know there will be many more - just because you aren't here doesn't mean that you will not be a part of the memories this family will make with your future brother(s) and/or sister(s).
We love you so very much and we miss you like crazy!
Happy 1st Birthday, Olive!
Love,
Mommy and Daddy
To read Olive's birth story, please visit this link and this one
Sunday, July 26, 2015
July 26
Today will always be the day that stands out to me as the one that started it all. It was a Saturday and I had an acupuncture appointment. I wanted to see if there was any way to start labor without getting too crazy. We discussed my options and decided it would be best to wait a little longer to really get things moving, after all, my due date was still 4 days away. I scheduled an appointment for the 29th to come back and see where we were.
I had been convinced that I was going to have Olive on the 26th. That date just stood out to me as "the day". We obviously know now that it wasn't meant to be her birthday, but my brain often tries to play tricks on me, telling me that if she had been born this day she'd be alive. I know that's not true, but sometimes it's difficult to turn off those thoughts.
My husband was getting some yard work done and I was scrolling through Facebook, maybe golf or a race was on the TV- nothing super exciting, I remember that much at least. I recall reading a post that a friend from grade school, who was currently serving in Afghanistan, had lost her husband early that morning in a fatal car crash, leaving behind her and her two children. In my hormonal condition I recall breaking down in my living room. I thought, "how could God let this happen to her?" It seemed so unfair, so unimaginable. I remember the next few days would be spent following her on Facebook as she tried to make her way home from the war torn country she was stationed in to her new war torn life that awaited her in the states. I could not stop hurting for her and those precious babes.
Little did I know that my own worst nightmare was just a few days away.
July has been hard for me. As soon as the calendar hit July 1 I could feel myself panicking a little bit. This was the month that I met and lost my daughter. Getting through this month meant that we had survived a whole year of this, and part of me was feeling as though I would be forced to move on. So much life has been lived in this year- so many life lessons learned, faith lessons learned, marriage lessons learned. With a new baby on the way I feared that many would view Olive's first birthday as a day for me to leave the grieving behind and begin to prepare for the next phase.
I recognize now that isn't true. There is no real moving on, sure life goes on, but there will always be a part of my heart missing, memories that creep in when I least expect them to, tears that fall when I'm not prepared. There is no way to erase this, no matter how many more life experiences are to come or how many more babies we have.
She is a part of me, a part of this family and while her birthday is certainly a reminder of what we no longer have, it's also a beautiful reminder of everything she gave us. Love, patience, a new compassion for others, and wonderful new friends in this gigantic community of parents who have experienced some of life's most horrific, complex but beautiful journies.
There is no telling what Wednesday will bring us. The next few days will be days that I know will stop me in my tracks as I recall something I did, felt or said as I prepared to meet this little creation. I ask for your prayers and also your support. Many of you have traveled this year long journey with us, and we know that your hearts are hurting and healing along with ours. Your love and friendship have, no doubt, helped to get us through some of the worst of times. Your faith-filled messages of hope and peace have reminded us to cling to the only One who will someday lead us back to her, to Him.
If you would like to join us in celebrating Olive's life, on Wednesday we would love for you to do something kind in remembrance of her. Shortly after we lost her people asked us what they could do for us and we told you to hug your babies, love on them and spend time with them. That's what we wish for you to do on Wednesday as well. If you have children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews or other loved ones nearby, please post a picture to social media of you doing something fun together, using the hashtag #olivesbranches
If you don't have children or loved ones in your life, consider buying someone's Starbucks, leaving a note of love or hope on someone's car, cutting your neighbors grass, bringing flowers to a shut in, whatever it is- do it out of love and do it for the moments that you may not get tomorrow. Again, if you are so inclined, tell us how you showed love to someone with the hashtag #olivesbranches
We would also be so humbled if you would consider joining or donating to our Olive's Branches team to support Children's Hospital of WI this September at their annual Run/walk. The link to our team is below.
Thank you again, there are no words to share with you how each one of you has touched our lives this past year. We love you all so very much.
Friday, July 10, 2015
The Beauty of a Story
I never imagined that my daughter's brief life would be considered a story. Stories are tales told before bedtime, drawn out plots on your favorite soap opera or exaggerations your grandfather uses to help you realize your life isn't really as hard as you think it is, right? The more I live this life the more I realize how much of a story it really is. Some of it good, some of it bad, some of it full of exaggerations - but all interwoven to create this beautiful masterpiece, a masterpiece that can only be called your own. No one story is alike. How amazing is that?
When I started writing about Olive's story after she died it never occurred to me that it wasn't over. I didn't view it as a story, not until late last fall that is. A friend of mine has been actively involved in the Listen to Your Mother shows for a few years now. I've always been intrigued by the stories I've watched online, never attending a live show myself. Stories of motherhood: love, loss, humor and beauty. Late last fall I realized that Milwaukee had a show of it's own and thanks to many of you continuing to follow along our journey - you helped me to realize that I had a story to tell. A very important one.
I was the keeper of Olive's story - a story that deserved to be told just like any other story. A story that would bring healing to more than just myself. I decided to sign up for an audition spot.
It is one thing to tell pieces of this story from behind my computer screen, it's a whole new beast to tell it in front of hundreds of people. Before I jumped the gun I needed to get through the 3 producers. And before that - well, I had to actually write a piece of the story.
Where would I begin? There were so many things I wanted to say, so many emotions I wanted my viewer to understand - three days before the audition I had nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada.
I cried to my husband that I was going to let Olive down. This is all I wanted to do - even if I didn't make the show, I wanted to verbally tell someone her story. He encouraged me to get in front of the computer and just start writing. I did and I came up with a rough draft. When I read through it I thought it was great - and then I realized it was over 10 minutes long. I only had 5 minutes to tell her story. Crap.
After days of editing and tweaking, I had my final draft. Olive's story - in 5 minutes. Geesh - I could talk about this sweet baby for days, how on earth was I going to get people to understand the depth of my love for her, and hopefully have them fall in love with her too, in just 5 short minutes? I practiced in front of the bathroom mirror. I recorded myself and played it back, over and over again while I was driving around town running errands. Sunday afternoon came and I headed off to the audition.
I was nervous. My voice was shaking and I hadn't been able to get through the piece without crying. "That's OK," I thought, "you can't tell this story without tears," I convinced myself. I didn't cry. I read my piece with dry mouth and a cracking voice. When I finally looked up no one said a word. They were all crying. They asked me what her name was, apologized for my loss and thanked me for sharing such an important and private piece of my life with them. I left. I felt good, not 100% confident that I would make it, but I was proud of myself. I got out of my comfort zone and told her story, even if it was to just 3 people.
Later that week I learned I would be a part of the cast. I had no idea how this would change my life.
The people I've met, the stories I've heard, the beautiful community that is created when we celebrate all of these unique versions of motherhood is something that cannot be described - it just needs to be felt. Something amazing happens when we sit back and listen to each other. We ALL have stories to tell, each one unique, but each one identifiable.
I would encourage you: man, woman, husband, wife, brother, son, grandmother or mother - any of you reading this now to consider finding a Listen to Your Mother show in your area, remove yourself from your comfort zone and tell your beautiful story!
I promise you - the worldwants to needs to hear it!
To all who came, offered words of encouragement or sent well-wishes from afar - thank you! To my husband - I know that this is as much your story as mine, and you continue to encourage me to bare my soul to the world. I hope this crazy little blog and the support from friends, family and strangers that comes with it has brought you peace as well. Thank you for being the amazing husband and father you are!
For those of you who have asked, the videos from every Listen to Your Mother show nationwide have been released!! I've included mine here if you'd like to watch. I would encourage you to search the LTYM Show channel on You Tube to find other videos that inspire you - there are thousands!
When I started writing about Olive's story after she died it never occurred to me that it wasn't over. I didn't view it as a story, not until late last fall that is. A friend of mine has been actively involved in the Listen to Your Mother shows for a few years now. I've always been intrigued by the stories I've watched online, never attending a live show myself. Stories of motherhood: love, loss, humor and beauty. Late last fall I realized that Milwaukee had a show of it's own and thanks to many of you continuing to follow along our journey - you helped me to realize that I had a story to tell. A very important one.
I was the keeper of Olive's story - a story that deserved to be told just like any other story. A story that would bring healing to more than just myself. I decided to sign up for an audition spot.
It is one thing to tell pieces of this story from behind my computer screen, it's a whole new beast to tell it in front of hundreds of people. Before I jumped the gun I needed to get through the 3 producers. And before that - well, I had to actually write a piece of the story.
Where would I begin? There were so many things I wanted to say, so many emotions I wanted my viewer to understand - three days before the audition I had nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada.
I cried to my husband that I was going to let Olive down. This is all I wanted to do - even if I didn't make the show, I wanted to verbally tell someone her story. He encouraged me to get in front of the computer and just start writing. I did and I came up with a rough draft. When I read through it I thought it was great - and then I realized it was over 10 minutes long. I only had 5 minutes to tell her story. Crap.
After days of editing and tweaking, I had my final draft. Olive's story - in 5 minutes. Geesh - I could talk about this sweet baby for days, how on earth was I going to get people to understand the depth of my love for her, and hopefully have them fall in love with her too, in just 5 short minutes? I practiced in front of the bathroom mirror. I recorded myself and played it back, over and over again while I was driving around town running errands. Sunday afternoon came and I headed off to the audition.
I was nervous. My voice was shaking and I hadn't been able to get through the piece without crying. "That's OK," I thought, "you can't tell this story without tears," I convinced myself. I didn't cry. I read my piece with dry mouth and a cracking voice. When I finally looked up no one said a word. They were all crying. They asked me what her name was, apologized for my loss and thanked me for sharing such an important and private piece of my life with them. I left. I felt good, not 100% confident that I would make it, but I was proud of myself. I got out of my comfort zone and told her story, even if it was to just 3 people.
Later that week I learned I would be a part of the cast. I had no idea how this would change my life.
The people I've met, the stories I've heard, the beautiful community that is created when we celebrate all of these unique versions of motherhood is something that cannot be described - it just needs to be felt. Something amazing happens when we sit back and listen to each other. We ALL have stories to tell, each one unique, but each one identifiable.
I would encourage you: man, woman, husband, wife, brother, son, grandmother or mother - any of you reading this now to consider finding a Listen to Your Mother show in your area, remove yourself from your comfort zone and tell your beautiful story!
I promise you - the world
To all who came, offered words of encouragement or sent well-wishes from afar - thank you! To my husband - I know that this is as much your story as mine, and you continue to encourage me to bare my soul to the world. I hope this crazy little blog and the support from friends, family and strangers that comes with it has brought you peace as well. Thank you for being the amazing husband and father you are!
For those of you who have asked, the videos from every Listen to Your Mother show nationwide have been released!! I've included mine here if you'd like to watch. I would encourage you to search the LTYM Show channel on You Tube to find other videos that inspire you - there are thousands!
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