Wednesday, August 13, 2014

I am Weak But He is Strong

Earlier this week I had a heck of a day.  It was a rainy day and I could not get myself out of bed.  I had no reason to stay in bed - but I had no reason to get up either.  I could just tell it was going to be a long day, a sad day - and I was OK with that.  I felt like I needed a sad day, although I was dreading how sad it would turn out to be.  I don't remember feeling this low since Olive died.

I did get up and shower, I had a Reiki appointment at my acupuncturist's office that morning and I thought the least I could do was shower for her.  Sweat pants and a tank top was all I could muster up that morning though, so off I went.  I had only had Reiki done once and, to be honest, wasn't sure what to expect.  She informed me that the exercise may bring out emotions, either immediate or later on, just to be prepared.  Great.

As she worked on me for the next hour, I was trying to keep my mind clear - but I kept having flashbacks of moments in my life:  the stress of trying for a baby, the morning I found out I was pregnant, the look on my husband's face when he read the card - "9 months starts now".  Flashbacks of sitting on the plane, headed to Arizona when he first felt the baby move, when we had our ultrasound and could tell from that exact day that baby would have my nose!  Then she did it - she had one hand lightly on my breastbone and  one hand on the top of my belly and - whoosh - the feeling that my baby was laying on me again flooded over me.  I fought back the tears, although now I wish I hadn't. I know I was holding back, as I have been for awhile. 

Don't get me wrong, I cry.  Normally I do my crying in the shower, where the tears mix with the milk and blood and wash down the drain, everything...down the drain, away from me.  Everyday I cry - but this made me want to throw things and scream and sob.  But I held it in.

I ran to Target to get thank you cards - because it's good etiquette and apparently therapeutic to go through every card and name in the guest book and relive a funeral for days on end (insert sarcasm here).  I overheard some sweet ladies talking about, what I assume to be one of their children who is having a baby.  "Do they know what they are having?" "A boy - how fun!"  I wanted to throw my thank you cards at them. But I held it in (mainly for fear of being arrested in Target - oh, and because it's not their fault I lost my baby - but lets be honest, I really didn't want to be arrested)

I decided that was enough of being in public for one day and went home.  I've been trying to keep the Christian rock station on in my car. I find it helps me keep things in perspective, and God has a funny way of talking to you through different means. This day would be no different.

I heard, "I'm alive. Even though a part of me has died"  as I pulled up to the mailbox and realized I was holding my daughter's death certificate in my hands. 

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

I pulled into my driveway, put the car in park and had one ugly cry.  The ugliest cry - the one filled with constant tears and snot and choking.  The cry where you sob loudly, crying out to God,

"Make it go away!"
"I'm not strong enough for this!"
"Why are you doing this to me?"
"I want my baby back"
"Please God, just one more day. I just want to hold her!"
"Please. I'm begging you - I CAN'T DO THIS!!!"

Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

And then the tears subside, you blow your nose, wipe your eyes, take your Target bags into the house and hope the next day is a little kinder to you. 

It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes it's rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take this heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Song by Mercy Me, "The Hurt & The Healer"

1 comment:

  1. Dear Nicole, you needed to have a cry like this! I hope you felt better afterwards. How I wish I had a magic wand to take the hurt away. Love you...Shirley